Sunday, November 27, 2016

I will always miss you!

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☆ Miki log

Hello this blog readers! Nice to meet you! Woof!

My name is Mickey (stylized as Miki). I am a mix-breed dog, brown/white fur, 16KG, extremely spoilt and loved.

I was happily adopted by a nice family of four in early 2011. The family consisted of one daddy, one mummy and two big sis, and they are very very kind toward me. Especially mummy! She loves me the most!

Shortly after I was adopted, first sis moved out. Mummy said she went to Jakarta for further study. What is study? That sounded so difficult. But she gave us a call daily; mostly when she was on bed..
This was a draft post written by my doggy sis Miki a few years ago. I never know that all so sudden she would not be able to continue her one and only log here anymore.

My little sister Miki crossed the rainbow bridge to heaven exactly last week. 🌈

It was very hard for me, and for us her only family. I was unable to write anything about her until now--a week later. She was very precious to me more than anything else apart from my parents.

In fact, I kinda blamed myself of her passing. It is just too fast.. She was only 5 years old and I know she can actually live happily and healthily up to 14 years old. I think I was at fault, from some perspectives. We spent lesser time with her for the last one year.

First of all, she had been feeling unwell for the past few days as I mentioned on my last post here. When the weather turned very bad like recently (stormy and hard rain daily) she would switch to a hibernate mode when she would spend her time mostly sleeping and wouldn't be playing much just like usual. In fact, everyone in house also switched to the hibernating mode because weather was very horrible and I felt unwell as well for the past few days, thanks to the workload (that increased my stress level) and how I stressed over my health until today.

Besides that, she did fine. She would eat just fine, she would walk to us just fine, she pooped just fine, she barked just fine. She was just the usual her. Why should we be worried when she looked like the usual her?

And this is the part when I blamed myself: I should have looked at her more attentively.

Every night after late gym, I would always sit in front of TV and she would sit beside me. I would always play with her, rub her belly and massage her legs and ears. I barely noticed anything abnormal from her apart of her being tired more lately and just like what I said before, we all felt the same way.

Then last week, on Friday evening after I went back from work.. When I drove pass by the front door I saw her sitting, facing the front door and looking at me. I sorta noticed that she used to be excited to see me (and anyone else) home, ran to us, and scratched our brand-new car body (omg!) and I remembered how Dad told her to come back home until I finished parking. That day, she was only sitting and looking at me from inside the house until I waved at her from outside, then she slowly walked outside and sat by the terrace, watching me parked the car properly.

Mum then said: "She hasn't eaten anything much today." so I started to notice her abnormal things at that time. She was extremely, extremely thin.

"For how long?" I asked.

"Two days, today." Mum said. She had worse time before.. Having no appetite for the whole week because of the bad weather. Again, we all experienced this before so we didn't think of anything so grim, even tiny sickness.

I sat on the floor and she followed me--just like usual. Then when I started to massage her I noticed that she was extremely cold.

Has she been this cold? I asked myself. I remember how I always remember that she was always slightly hot, and I liked that.

Then I noticed that her gum and ears were extremely, extremely white and my heart skipped a beat. What is this? Why does this look not okay?

"Mum? Do you think she is anemic?" I showed her how she turned extremely pale. Mum agreed, and we both contemplated whether to bring her to the vet that night or not. It was Friday night, and Dad got an appointment with some people.

"So, go to the vet now or tomorrow?"

I don't know I wanted Miki to be healthy as soon as possible because the white gum disturbed me so much, so I said:

"Sorry Dad, can you cancel your appointments? Let's go to vet tonight."

So we prepared the car and we all went to our usual vet. We put a collar on Miki and let her jump to the car by herself. At that time, there was nothing wrong with her, really, apart of her being tired and no appetite.

Our usual vet was very busy at that time--they were handling a fractured cat. So, we were contemplating whether to return there again tomorrow or not. But I still felt uneasy so I told dad let's go to another vet.

We went to another vet, a very far and difficult vet to reach. Upon reaching, we then admitted Miki to the clinic and they did a quick examination.

Then after that, everything happened just too fast.

They weighed her: she was only 14kg while normally she would be 15-17kg. Still okay, although way thinner than usual. Not to the extreme point.

The vet checked her physically and she was shocked to see how pale her gum and ears were. She told me it was insane and was pretty sure it was anemic. She then offered us to get her a quick bloodtest and while we waited for the result, Miki was given injections and infusions.

The vet showed me the blood she drew from Miki and my heart skipped another beat--her blood, it was horrible. It was very light, very clear, and indeed very dangerous. I know blood aren't supposed to be that light and that clear.

What has happened? I started to get nervous. Miki, are you alright? Please be alright!


I then video-called Sis to see Miki. Miki looked really weak, but again we suspected nothing apart of her being probably slightly anemic or unhealthy. Nothing much.

Then the vet came to us with the blood test. She came to us with a very serious face. From seeing her face, my heart skipped yet another beat and all so sudden I didn't wanna hear what she was about to say.

The vet said: "this is her blood test result. And I am sorry to say this before, that it is horrible.


Her survival chance is 5% This is too severe. Her anemic must have been going on for so long unnoticeable. We'll try our best to save her, but as I said before, it is likely to be impossible."

It was the worst thing a stranger told me. 💔

We were speechless. Mum started to cry and it was so painful to see her that way. The vet apologised to us so many times and I started to get angry: why does she apologise? For telling us the truth? We don't need your apologise, we only want Miki to be healthy. We don't want any apologise. Don't apologise to us and hurry save her!

But I then saw the result again, and again, and again.. And I realised how grim she was.

WBC is 1.8, supposed to be 6.
LYM is 0, supposed to be 0.8.
GRA is 1.8, supposed to be 4.
LYM% is 0.1%, supposed to be 12%.
RBC is 1.08, supposed to be 5.5.
HGB is 0, supposed to be 11.
HCT is 7, supposed to be 39.
PLT is 24, supposed to be 117.

What kind of situation is this?!?! Are you crazy?!?!

How can my girl suffer this much, and not showing it at all? She was still very okay!

She could jump to the car by herself.

She was fine. For real.

She wasn't fine. And we were too idiot to realise it.

In the middle of that situation, we were contemplated whether to bring her home with that condition or to let her stay a night on the vet. I immediately thought that we might be able to gamble on the 5% survival chance, since Miki was so great that many years ago when she was lost, she was able to return back home after three weeks, defeating the slim returning chance.

So I asked Dad, maybe we could let her stay a night on the vet and see how all these medications would help her?

We all agreed then, and I signed a contract for deposit money and for the responsibility when Miki wasn't able to survive. The sentence hurted me so much but I signed it anyway.

Then at 10PM we then went back home since we wouldn't be able to stay overnight at the vet--that looked like a hospital.

I then waved hand at Miki, hoping to see her get better the next morning. "Sleep tight tonight okay! I'll come back here tomorrow morning. It is Saturday so I can be with you all day. Sleep tight Miki!"

She looked at me, tried to stand up from the examination table. My heart hurted so much to see her wanting to go home with me but I then came to her and told her, "Rest here for one night, okay? I'll be back in a few hours. I promise!" with the thought of going back to that vet the next morning as early as possible. The knowledge of her severe bloodtest made me very uneasy so I didn't want to leave her for long there, alone.

Then I saw it. She cried. A silent cry. I saw how she shed that painful tears. Oh god, I almost cried when I saw her crying for the first time that day. I quickly wiped her tears and hugged her, told her and reassured her I would be back as soon as possible.

I didn't know that would be her first cry, and her last.

We went back home at almost midnight, took a quick shower and went sleep right away. On my bed I cried, I couldn't hold it anymore. I prayed so hard, with my entire brain particles, wishing for her to beat the odd and return back home happy and healthy.

I quickly opened my HP notes app and did what I have been stopped doing it for a while--write a gratitude journal:
Miki, thank you very much to come to our family. You are my sweetest little sister.
Thank you for trying hard to be healthy again.
Thank you for your love and your hug.
Thank you for your lovely, cookie-like smell.
Thank you for being such a sweet sister, lovely little girl to all of us.
Thank you Miki, I'll be waiting for the day for us to play together again!

Sleep more tonight, rest more. Get well very very soon.
I will get you many more treats when you come back.
I will spoil you more and will let you sleep on my bed more often.
You are my number one.

Daisy and friends in heaven, help Miki to survive. Help her fighting through her hard time.
She will make it, she is very strong, she will come back home healthily!
She will be whole again, running back to house, happy, clean and healthy!

I will let her sleep on my bed whole night again and I will hug her tight.
We will run around house again, play together again, eat lots of food again.
I will rub your belly everyday for hours. I will massage your head everyday for hours as well.
Will hug you again.
Will kiss you again.
Will always love you and protect you from strangers.

Miki, thank you for being such a cute and sweet sister. Thank you.
I don't know how, but she will be fine. She will live another 100 years healthily and happily.
She will grow old and wise with all of us.
Sky, Universe and God, I will gather every love and force.
Miki will regain her health even better than before.

She will be so happy, I will bring her around.
I will spoil her. I will love her with all my heart.

Because, because she is my precious little sister.

She will be happily home and be fine!
Next week she will fully recover and we will be together again.
Eat together again, sleep together again, play together again.
She will receive abundance of love and happiness.
She will be warm and fluffy buni buni again.
She will be fine.
She will be healthy.

She will enjoy this world with us again.

Thank you Miki, you teach us so many great lessons.
It is my turn to return the love back.
I will do everything to cure you again.
No matter how much, no matter what time, I will do everything.
Promise you, when you are home I will get you your favourite yummy meatball!

Rest well tonight, and I will come to see you again tomorrow! 
Happy and healthy!
Fat, pink and warm!
Hydrated and whole!
Running around and barking!

You will be fine. You are a very nice girl, you will be alright.
Everyone is praying hard for you.
You are so loved.

Many more days, months and years to enjoy!
Be healthy!

Cannot wait to play with you again!

In any best way possible, you will be hugged and loved with energy force.
You will be alright!
You will beat the vet's grim diagnosis.
You are my strong little girl.
You will gain all the blood test parameters. You go girl!
You will eat everything again and run healthily again.
You will jump to us again.
You will wag your lovely tail again when we drive you home.

Until that day, be strong!
I wrote that note while I was crying, but then I fell asleep due to exhaustiveness. I kept on waking up with heartburn for unknown reason, I was just so scared to fall asleep. There was something else that hurted my chest, it felt so hot and painful to breath. Probably I cried too much.

An hour later, after I finally went asleep, Mum nudged me.

"She is gone. We are going to pick her up now."

I couldn't move my body. I couldn't think. Miki lost her fight, she didn't survive. She didn't beat the odd. She was tired, and she let it go.

My little girl was no longer here.

She, the purest, the kindest and the sweetest, had gone.

This fact hit me way too hard that I cried. I cried at our memories. I cried at how I took everything for granted. Once again, I lost it. I cried at my disability to rescue her. I cried because I hated myself so much.

It was all my fault, wasn't it? I was unable to bring her to vet on time that she suffered such horrible sickness.

What had I done all of this time? Not paying attention?

But, it was impossible. She was fine! She would still walk, she would still jump, she would still come to me. She would still see me.

Was she really gone? I didn't wanna believe it.

She had 5% survival chance! She should be okay! She shouldn't leave me alone!

She was a very good girl! Why must she suffer? Why must she be in so much pain?

Why couldn't I do anything to help her?

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Anyway, a few mins later, at around 3AM we drove to the vet (lucky it was Saturday) and we wanted to confirm everything.

Had to see her wrapped that way broke my heart. I cried there, and it didn't stop until Sunday night--for two days full.

The vet also told us the most heartbreaking story: that night, she suddenly stopped breathing. Then the vet and people there helped to give her oxygen pump and emergency help. Then she started breathing again, but her heart was extremely weak to continue.

She passed by herself, alone, in an unknown room.

She suffered alone, without us. Probably the moment when I saw her cried before I went back home, she already knew it was her last time seeing us. That's why she cried?

I cried at this thought--I felt so guilty and so evil. I was loved unconditionally, but why couldn't I accompany her on her last time?

I was too naive to gamble on her 5% survival chance--well it was because she did experience miracle once when she was lost for entire three weeks. Again, I was idiot to gamble on such slim chance when even the vet said she wouldn't likely to survive under such horrible condition.

I know we weren't able to accompany her there even if we wanted to, but again, I never asked, so I would never know.

Did she cry when she was in pain?

Did she think about us?

Was she angry at us for not standing by her side when she was in pain?

Was she angry at us for leaving her there?

Was she ever angry at us at all?

Hard to forgive myself after what I thought I have done to her. She had gone, no matter how much I blamed myself, no matter how much I call her, how much I said I am sorry and how much I said I wanted her to come back even once.

She wouldn't know.

Or probably she knew? I don't know.

One evil thought crossed my mind once that I really wanted to follow her to heaven because I just couldn't stand to live without her. But again, it would be impossible to find her because she would be in heaven and I would have been dragged to hell. I am so evil.

I learnt that when there is a meeting, there will be a parting. It may be sad at first, but as time goes by, we will be able to accept it as it is part of our life.

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Initially we wanted the vet to bury her. But upon reaching home at 5AM I changed my mind and wanted to bury her in a place I would visit often. So we went back to the vet on the first thing in the morning to pick her up and to bury her at Mum's place.

We reached there when the sun had risen and Dad with the help of the helper dig the small little soil in front of the house, and buried her.

Miki was still soft post-mortem. Some part of me believed she was still alive but it was impossible. Looking at her, lowered down to the ground, given a small blanket by Dad and started to cover her with the soil slowly, my heart broke. I really couldn't stop crying that day until the next evening.

That day, on the afternoon it was so hot yet it rained. Was the Sky creating a rainbow bridge for Miki to cross? I am so happy to know that--Miki was, is, and will always be blessed by everyone and everything because she was a very sweet girl. 😘


I was so happy and relieved, when she slept for eternity on Saturday morning--the Sky gave her present: a very pretty pink Sunset! It had been raining and gloomy whole week and Saturday evening, the Sky gave her pretty Sunset with rainbow for her to cross to go to heaven.

She must be very happy. I am glad. 💕

Thank you for showing me, that the end is not always ugly. Sometimes, it will be both painful and pretty as well. It is life.

We all love you, we all always love you. Thank you for everything. See you again, I hope. Wait for us!

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Saturday evening we had a birthday party of my niece to attend so we attended it with swollen and red eyes, lol.

Miki is now very healthy and happy with all of new friends in heaven, right? A part of me will always miss her, but I can relieve it by believing that she will always be in my heart, and will always encourage me whenever I need mental support. She is my best friend and best sister.


Drew this on my HP yesterday.

Thank you Miki, and see you next time. Don't forget about me, please? Because I will never forget about you

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P.S. comments in moderation will be replied some time this week. Thank you, and sorry! 🙏


Lots of love ♥

4 comments:

  1. i feel sorry for you and miki too :"

    see you soon in heaven dear little miki ~

    ReplyDelete
  2. Omg! I am sorry to hear this!
    I was just starting to get to know her T.T
    RIP Miki.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 T.T thank you unni! No words can describe this feeling

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