Sayonara, September 2016!
It was a particularly hard week for me. If you have known me for a long time, you know I like to do my best in every work I have. I don't like critiques, although I accept it easily. I try to avoid making problems and I always wish for clean output as many as possible.
I am not a perfectionist, by the way.
But I, in some ways, like doing things perfectly. I realised this even since I was young, I always want to mark my name in the highest score in each game level I played, always tried to beat Mum and Sis.
It was back then. I think nowadays I don't really care who gets high score in any game level I play.
Well that isn't really relevant but I hope I can sorta explain what kind of perfectionist person I am.
In High School, I admit friends considered me as one of the clever student, with high scores and all. That happened by my nature of always wanting to work my best. Also in University, I had some friends who regularly borrowed my notes and by exam days, I could see copies of my notes in some other friends.
I didn't mind that at all. Although I was never the generous ones to share my notes in class group chat freely. To be honest my reason was that I only prepared my notes few hours before exam started so I thought it was pretty useless to share my notes on the chat group only an hour or two before exam started? Lol.
I miss University so badly. It was great.
But behind all those diligent and clever persona, I had something completely opposite.
Some of my closest friends knew this, as written in their answers here. I may appear reserved and diligent, but in fact: I am a total opposite of that. I only don't admit that side of me.
I am a bit lazy: not the kind that ignore my responsibilities, but the kind that prefer to do my works as fast as possible then enjoying my relaxing time after that by doing something completely different. Just like leaving reality to immerse myself in movies, books and anime, or to spend hours in my room drawing random things.
I really like pranks: not the kind that do pranks to everyone, everything, everytime, but whenever I feel like it would cheer me a lot. As I grow older, I ate lots and lots of sarcasm lesson and I use it more often now. I even say sarcasm to my parents a lot (Mum doesn't like it sometimes because she is pretty sensitive, Lol) but Dad loves it as well! I say sarcasm the most to my Sis that is surprisingly very sarcastic as well! I am so happy she accepts it very well.
Also, I like watching people from their outer circle and laugh at them for nothing funny exactly. Also I normally laugh at people I am very close with.
I don't like stress: procrastinating work, having to pile up things to do next time and extra works. I develop a habit where I prefer go home late to decide to call it a day and work harder the next day. This is a new habit for me because I used to do the opposite: collecting everything to do D-1.
But even when I said I don't like stress (and pressure), I work really better under it. Oh my, the irony!
So, this week I kinda made lots of problems and unnecessary thoughts inside myself. And I messed my own mood and feeling for many ridiculous reasons. Generally, I always set up myself a casual standard for me to motivate myself to work better every day. But this week I sorta ruined it.
I considered myself made lots of mistake (although I sorta realised it wasn't that bad actually) because I didn't reach the casual standard I made for my own. You see, now that I talked about this properly in this blog it was nothing much actually but I felt like a loser for not achieving my own casual and supposedly to be easy standard.
So I pulled myself to my own cave: figuring out why I messed out, thinking how to settle this uneasy feeling, can I do better things to make this over, can I forget about this? And even with such heavy and unpleasant thoughts in my mind I also have to deliver my currently very rush work because fixed deadline is in very very near future.
I failed to return the messages to my friends, because I felt like a loser that I didn't feel like talking to anyone else for real. I wanted to sort things out inside me first before I can talk to people with better mood (because I don't want to repeat the same mistake of talking to people in a very bad mood without thinking more--I regretted what came out from my mouth and it could never be pulled back).
I think each of us handle internal problems differently. Some can solve it by sharing to people, some bury it and try to forget it, some take longer to deal with it and will return with it more settled than before, just like me.
I must be more soft to myself: people make mistakes, and it is okay. Sometimes we won't reach our goals, but the important thing is that we won't quit: we shall try again, and again, and again, while we still get the chance.
I feel better now after writing this here. Thank you very much, blog. I really owe you a lot.
Lots of love ♥