Even since ah ma crossing the river last year, the talking about the crossing itself disturbs me. I think about dying way too often lately that I am scared I actually need to come to mental hospital.
My parents brought this up sometimes, and the talk itself was very disturbing I always tried to escape every time they bring this up.
That early everning on the seventh month, we all went to my ah gong and nai nai de graveyard. The graveyard looked as nobody ever came to it to tend it. And we could guess that the last relatives visiting their graveyard was, nobody but ourselves during qing ming a few months ago.
It broke my heart so much, that despite of we prayed a lot to them, we neglected their graveyard. Apparently, I sometimes remind Dad to visit ah gong's place to pray, to calm ourselves, to sweep the tomb. We happened to visit ah gong and nai nai several times this year, and we could notice that nobody else visited except us.
Dad has many siblings here, yet none of them seemed to come here no longer. It is weird, don't all of you miss them? Even me, who had to know ah gong only for a good first few years of my life (I never knew nai nai) I missed him so bad. I still remember his smells and how he always gave me kompyang every time I visited him.
Ah gong converted to Catholic a little while before his passing, and we remembered that time a man from church came to him named Father Martin. He is bald, funny and young, talked to ah gong a lot. Mum still mentions about Father Martin sometimes--I guess she meets him once in a while? I don't know. I never go to church any more since I graduated from my Catholic High School, where we were obligated to go to church twice every month.
He mentioned this once to us: when we pass away, and we will be buried, we are going to be eaten by worms. Now, if we are cremated, we stayed intact, and we are not going to be eaten.
A part of me disagree with that. How can I stand to cremate someone I love so much? Won't it be painful? So pitiful. I don't think I want to face it. I sometimes even think that I want to die before my parents do, and no human will be able to control this, unfortunately. What I can do now is to live a good life, and enjoy it as much as possible. We never know what is going to happen tomorrow, right?
Besides, they mentioned it is going to be much cheaper, and we won't burden the children having to visit us in a far and creepy graveyard every now and then. Sweeping tomb, burning houses, and many more that surely will waste money.
Mum adds: "do you understand?" and poking me.
"Uh. Okay." I said. I don't think I need to think about it now? Why do we talk about this kind of thing?
But now I know clearly, my parents against the idea of burial for themselves.
And I am not going to think about it now. Because they will be the ones that help me thinking about the names of my future children, and sis' future children, and Miki's future children!
They always think of very good names you know!
Look at this furry, extremely creepy worm I found on ah gong's graveyard. EEEEW!
Lots of love ♥