Sunday, June 5, 2016

[Middle]

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Recently, the 'middle' word has been scaring me.

It is already the middle of the year.

Again?! For real?!


Yeah, it is the clear and hot sky I love so much! Get to see it again today, ohisashiburii, clear sky and sun!

I am in the middle of my 20s.

I know, thank you for the kind reminder.

I am having mid-life crisis; and I don't realise it a single bit.

Really? Not really?

I have been thinking, why time seems to fly faster than before? Thinking hard about this, but actually it is very scientific.

The older we are, the shorter our days are.

When we were 12 years old, one year is 1/12 of our life. Compared when we were 24 years old, one year is 1/24 of our life. The fraction just gets smaller and smaller. That's why the older we are, the shorter our days are. The shorter our years are.

Suddenly it is another middle of the year. Is it cool? Or is it scary?

Look, the problems are obviously same: I waste my time. Suddenly half of it is gone and I don't think I have done something notably extraordinary.

The first half of this year is gone just like that. It is either I enjoyed it so much or I didn't enjoy it at all.

But people say when you don't enjoy something, time will pass slower so obviously it is not the case here.

I can say that overall I enjoyed my five months in 2016, but there are some days I vividly remember hating them. The days when I clearly frustrated, was angry and sad beyond everything.

But I can proudly say that this year is so much better than 2015. And I am really grateful because of it. For real ah, because some things are getting better. The wounds in my heart, the painful memories and the hatred--they dissipate. Thank you for the hard work, heart!

I have been learning so many new things this year, at work, at home, about humans, about everything. About how each people differs from us, about how to react with unexpected situation, about how to stay professional within work environment, about how to manage time, about how to enjoy the differences, about how to love and respect myself enough not to let it be sadder in order to see other people happy, about how to be selfish every now and then.

And I am proud of myself. Thank you for the hard work! Good job!

But then after all of self-relief words above, I am reminded with the word "Middle" again and I have this uneasy feeling.

Am I not doing enough?

Do I need to work harder?

Will there be some gold chances I might encounter; and I won't notice it at all?

The unknown possibilities about future scares me. I know this is something really silly as I have been told so many times: enjoy today. Enjoy the present, because it is a present obviously!

The ups and the downs.

The happy and the frustrating moments.

Both of it are good la, seriously. Frustrating moments are good because those teach us to really enjoy the happy moments and never take it for granted. Happy moments are good as well, because, is happy la! Being able to be happy and laugh releases happy hormones, and all of us love crave that!

Unless you are a masochist?

So, when something hard and frustrating comes up, I always tell myself: it is good! Okay!

But saying "it is good" is easy ma. Telling myself to act that way is not.

When it is applied to me; I never realise it that it takes part of building stress within myself. To put it simple: I am stressed about so many things without myself recognising it.

I wonder if this is worse than when I am able to notice that I am stressed? I mean, not being able to recognise my own state of mind doesn't sound okay.

For example, something happened. And I don't like it.

My quick-reacted mind worked hard to find the good side from it, and kept telling me: it is good!

I okay-ed myself. I told myself it is good.

But something deeper inside me couldn't comprehend why it is good. It ached, it wanted to change things. It denied things that already happened. It built up stress hormones because it wanted something else.

And I didn't realise it at all. All that I know is that I have told myself that it is good therefore I believed that my entire body has cooperated very well by feeling good.

I didn't know this one part of me denied it.

Or maybe, I pretend to close my eyes from this one part that denied it. This doesn't sound okay. Have I been lying to myself all this time? Saying I am okay when I am not fully okay?

And I think that is the reason why I keep telling people I am okay although inside I am not. I also don't know that I am not entirely okay.

Weird ah? I know.

This happens to me so many times that I have been thinking about this quite a while.

Something happened. I told myself it is okay. I made peace with it. I told people I am okay. But there is one sound inside my head said: "I cannot accept this. But I have told people I am okay therefore I cannot say more things."

So I became much quieter than usual because I am confused with myself: am I actually okay or not?!

Am I being so childish here? Or what?

I am definitely not a bipolar, also not having anxiety problems. I am just having so many voices inside my head, telling me so many contradicting things.

I guess I shall put that on my to-work list ah.

To-work list #1: To make peace with myself.

Why it is important:

I want to enjoy my life.

I want to spend my time happily and being able to do something I truly enjoy. Without regret.

I want to disregard everything that makes me not okay.

I want to be able to be selfish sometimes, and be guilty-free with it.

I want to be able to say "time flies! But I am glad that it was awesome while it lasts." without doubts, just like on this post.


Lots of love ♥

4 comments:

  1. yeah, time flies, be grateful and live to the fullest everyday. thanks for everything too.

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  2. you know, sometimes, it's ok to not be ok.
    I know most things are easier said than done but i can tell that you tried. as long as you tried your best in everything, it doesn't matter.
    there will come a time when you become conscious in everything you do but you will be so in peace with it.
    like dr. seuss said "People who mind don't matter. People who matter don't mind"
    and you make me wonder too about 'Time Flies' - did i just waste my time?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes I can accept for being not ok at one point, and sometimes I cannot accept it and it made me feel so miserable.
      I wonder if at one time I am not okay and I don't want to feel miserable, it means I need to accept it right? But it will mean I refuse to grow, and I am not adapting. I wonder which one is worse
      *hugs* we all need to take things slowly. Every moment we enjoy, it is not wasted. We need to remind ourselves with this all the time.
      I love dr. seuss, calms my mind. ^^

      Delete

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