Monday, May 30, 2016

Confession #3: I am confused.

Note: It is another courageous post here. 99% feelings and 1% silly idea.

It is another Monday. A suffering one for me because I have to endure 9 hours of headaches in my workstation. Currently having crazy hormonal headache and I try my best not to depend on Panadol so I was quiet whole day, trying to survive the day.

I also cultivate fresh, plump and pink pimples on my chin. Lol. Not in a good mood to smile today. Headache sucks.

Which luckily, today I had zero bug in my bugbase so I spent my day without stress myself more and I did some browsing on random artists' pages, Inuyasha wikia and Ojamajo wikia. XD

I love looking at Sesshomaru I am blushed whole day looking at him? Okay this is not important please disregard this sentence.

It is also Ranger Meow de birthday la so last night I composed a fun birthday message. It was nothing ordinary; I kinda brought my blogging habit therefore I typed super long messages.

Which turned out so tacky and embarrassing.

I went shopping whole day yesterday so I was crazy tired. I wanted to send him my wish before I fell asleep so I tried to compose birthday wish and stayed awake at least until midnight to send the messages.

So, half asleep-ly I noticed that it was midnight so I started to paste my birthday wishes part by part on the chat room.

I haven't finished pasting the messages and I was interrupted with his reply. =X

Noooo wait don't read first ahhhh!

There were still like five more chain messages I composed that was severed and I was completely turned off okay.

It quietly annoyed me but I tried to keep it to myself. I mean, like I said before I am learning to control myself and my feelings and I want to be kind more. Besides it was not something important to snap out.

But deep inside me, to tell you, I was so humiliated that my birthday message chain was severed. Am I too much? Lebai ma? XD

So I didn't continue pasting the messages while there was still about five parts of messages. I then sent the birthday card I made half asleep-ly to him without any message, just because it no longer served its purpose when I sent the caption because it was already severed?


Screw it I just anyhow sent it and went to sleep. I was too exhausted to care. It was just a stupid doodle anyway.

No la where got stupid. I always do my best in each of my drawing no matter how tired I am. I give my love and soul in each piece of my drawing. See how I contradict myself again and again and again and againnnn?

I know, I am pissed off with such silly thing right omg what have I done. I spent one precious night felt humiliated over such silly thing.

But I am like this ma. That's why this is a confession post. And I need this confession to nobody and also everybody once in a while because it is nearly impossible for me to actually talk it out. I was on the verge of exploding today.

Probably it was the cause my hormonal headache was so horrible today? I am sorry, body. I tortured you like this. I promise after this I am going to love you more and not stressing such unimportant thing.

I might draft this post in the future because it is just too embarrassing.

Seriously it was so humiliating. You don't know how terrible I felt that time that I shook my own hands and tried to type as kind as possible parting messages.

It had similar feelings like when I was preparing for a birthday group surprise and the birthday boy came in to our room and saw all the confetti, cakes and balloons supposed to be shown to him in the next few minutes.

It kinda felt like I have ruined something I prepared although I didn't really do anything la. I only randomly typed some messages and drew stupid girl.

No la no la no laaaaa. I really thought of the birthday boy when I wrote my messages. I think, wish and pray in each of my message. I want my prayers to be heard and granted. I want happiness and prosper life to be granted.

But I felt it was kind of ruined so I said it was just unimportant random messages and I didn't mind whether the messages were read or not. I didn't want to disappoint myself again and again by saying the fact that something I prepared was ruined.

Not purposely of course. But the humiliated feelings I harbored was real.

No la no la no laaaaa. I did my best writing it. I just didn't want people know I spent some precious minutes I could use to sleep, but I spent it to write random birthday messages.

No la no la no laaaaa. Where the hell got random la, I wrote my best on it.

You understand me and my complex right? If you don't, I am sorry but I try my best to explain myself here. To rekindle my humiliated feelings I had last night is almost equally humiliating to me now so it is a bit hard.

Then, the big and huge question:

Is doing all things above okay?

I mean, I know I have known him for so many years already and that he already feels so dear to me. But sometimes I wonder if I do too much things to him.

And I wonder if it is okay. The reason why I question this is because some time last year I knew that he was with his probable girlfriend.

If it is real, I need to reassess all things that I have done and I need to reconsider everything else starting from today. I have been behaving a quarter friendly, a quarter sisterly and half lovey dovey and I don't want to make problem with his probable girlfriend okay!

I don't mind doing things I love too much because I love it. I just don't want to cross the limit of annoyance. I don't want to appear inappropriate. If there is any appropriate level, I want to be conscious about it.

What kind of appropriate level?

Something that limits me to do what I want to do based on our relation. I am this kind of girl ma. I enjoy helping, caring and loving but I don't want it to be abused and to be taken for granted. I sometimes realised it when that happened, and I mostly didn't do anything about it when people take me and my doings for granted.

It is not something big actually, but I don't like it. So if I know that I am going to cross the appropriate limit, I prefer not doing it.

If I know that if I do particular things I will be taken for granted, I am not going to do it. I mean, I will initially decide not to do it rather than realising it when I have already crossed the limit.

This is not about sincerity, this is about loving and respecting myself. This is about letting myself to know that I need some break. I need clarity. I need fresh air. I need more laughters than usual.

And I have been thinking about this for a while.

I have been so selfless and doing what I love and I enjoy it. But recently sometimes, it hurts me more than usual. I wonder why?

I don't know to be honest. I am still struggling to find out why.

Maybe this is what I am afraid of.

If I cross the limit, will his probable girlfriend come to me and slap me just like in drama? Or she is going to confront me openly and saying some cringe things I don't even want to assume one or two?

Yada yo! Nooooo I am so takut. And I am going to hate it so much.

And it hurts me.

It took me a while to realise that it hurts me. I didn't like to know about him and his girlfriend at all although it is nothing to do with me. Kankenai!!

I was having a broken heart situation?? Riddikulus. Joudan da yo?? *flick*

What the hell a strong girl like me experiencing broken heart?! I felt so weak and fragile and I hated it. I hated the feeling where I couldn't do anything about my broken heart. I cried.

It was too much for me. I remembered the napping Miki then was awaken with my crying sound and she came to me and sat on my lap. I am so touched ♥ *hug Miki*

Ever since that unpleasant day, there are some days when my scumbag brain always remind me with his girlfriend. And it is so annoying.

I don't know anything la so I keep telling my scumbag brain don't anyhow say who are these bitches girls I don't even know.

But I really don't know.

And I hate it when I don't know anything. Ignorance is not a bliss for me.

Thanks to brain reminding me to random bitch girl I then feel both broken heart and wanting to kick people's fatty backside.

I guess this is what people call jealousy? What an unpleasant thing. I am stopping this once and forever. Sayonara, girl. Get the hell out of my brain and my life.

And my Ranger Meow.

No la it depends on him. If she is not only probable girlfriend then kimatteru ja, sayonara futari tomo, iroiro arigato! It is sad but I like him too much to see him with that bitch girl I don't think I can handle knowing this while I am still behaving a quarter friendly, a quarter sisterly and half lovey dovey.

Just kidding. Don't take me seriously. Probably.

So, I am confused.

Regardless of this girlfriend is real or not. I don't know what to do.

Apparently I have bought Ranger Meow this year's birthday present last month. It was one rare thing that was not easy to find, also it was so pricey for me.

Every time my scumbag brain reminds me of this bitch girl, I have temptations to cancel his birthday present and makes it mine. Oops =X

Because it is soooooo cool la aiya I don't know when I received it I would love it soooooo much that I would love to keep it to myself! But I am so kind so I am working hard to buy it as birthday present. It is just nice feeling I like, when I give people I feel so happy.

But I know if I keep it longer, it aches my heart so much. It is extremely unpleasant I cannot bear it. It sorta talks to me it wants to go to his house. I cannot say no but it is hard to do it.

Aiya what am I talking about, arguing with a present lol.

The other option is to sell it, possibly at a higher price than when I bought it. But so rare thing how can I sell it? This is my collector soul speaking there is no way I am selling it away XD

So I have no idea whether to kick the bitch probable girlfriend out of my head and happily give the present, or to accept my broken heart and cancel the present.

But unfortunately, mum said it is taboo to cancel birthday present once it has been settled.

Or fortunately?

It is kind of funny that I settled the present much earlier. I am just so excited, I don't know why. Regardless of the bitch girl occasionally come to my head every now and then.

So probably I am still going to give it the next time I see him.

But I have to be 100% happy so that I can sincerely give the present to him--this is a must condition I set from me and to me--and for now I am not 100% yet with this situation.

So I am working hard to fix myself and my heart to be 100% happy again and I can sincerely and happily give him the present.

And I hope his probable girlfriend won't be angry leh. I sometimes think it is going to be scary to be confronted with someone's girlfriend. I hope it won't happen to me.

Anyway, like I said before, kankenai!! I will do my best not to care about it. It doesn't bother me. It drains my energy and makes me spend whole day headache.

I Don't Care
Niga eodieseo mwol hadeon ije jeongmal sanggwan
Ijewa ulgobulgo maedallijima
'Cause I Don't Care eh eh eh eh eh
I Don't Care eh eh eh eh eh

Feeling so nostalgic singing this song when I used to sing this song with my high school chairmate back then XD It was in 2009 or 2010? OMG time flies!

Okay. Let me talk to myself haha.

What's important to me for now is to fully love and respect myself. And to love and myself is (for this case now) to disregard her and everything else that makes me confused, sad, angry and broken heart.

Life is really good. I know it. Eventually everything is going to be alright. This is one interesting experience that I have. I will make many more friends this year and probably will meet more more interesting people ahead!

I will be happy, most importantly to love myself, exercise more and be careless about people more. I will draw more, have more fun, travel, meet new people and enjoy the rest of my years!

And Ranger Meow boy, happy birthday again! Congratulations for levelling up! Have a fun year ahead.

Plan to eat Black Forest cake on your behalf but maybe this year I am going to eat this by myself and think about stuff. Hope you enjoy yourself there as well.

Looking forward to fun days ahead! While slowly brushing off negativities and burdens.

Why don't us having fun everyday? =D It is so easy okay!

I don't know. I hope it is!

Lots of love ♥


Thanks for the lovely comments! It makes my day ♥