Monday, February 22, 2016

Am I very blessed?

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I need this post.

Recently I lost my temper so quickly that it drives me crazy. I feel like a very dangerous bomb that explodes upon first soft touch.

I don't want this anymore. It hurts me.

I need to tell myself to calm down, to think things more thoroughly and to grow my soul up for a few years, in term of maturity.

I thought I am quite mature for my age, but recently I realised that I am so damn immature. I lose temper at extremely simple things, I keep thinking of dreadful things, I curse so many times and I.. I.. 

I am so immature for my age.

And I am going to change it now. Today I pledge to grow up, care less and be happy.

I easily lose temper

It is unpleasant to know this, but dad told me a few times that I now have very short temper. Although he said it only occurred recently since I went back home after four years of staying in other city; he thought I brought back these "Jakartan" traits.

Jogja people are known as super patient and kind, and he told me I am now very frank, I curse a lot and I lose temper very easily.

I guess it is the city influence.

Not really?

I guess it is me. Just me. There are a few things that have shaped me this way.

Well, since it is not something that I like so I am not going to nurture these traits.

I will not lose temper, easily. This won't be so hard because I never really obviously get angry and show it physically (when I angry I mostly try to advert my anger into chat and send it to people! Poor them?) but I will also try to control myself not to do that as well. It is extremely embarrassing to re-read the angry chats (from 50+ angry chats up to 200+ angry chats in one go!?) I send to them and they don't actually reply to it.

I usually will tell them NOT to reply anything that I write angrily there, and some would respond and some would not. And I will feel so unhappy if I receive no response about it.


This! This is the immature side of me! Oh my gosh.

To stop this, I need to control myself not to explode to people on first opportunity. I will never send angry 200+ angry chats again. Or I will try to wait for at least one day of solitude before deciding to send 200+ angry chats or not.

Besides, from those 200+ angry chats, I think I type for at least 20% curses and dirty words there.

I feel so dirty in my mind as well. And I will cleanse myself starting from today.

I keep thinking of dreadful things

Ever since my ahma passed all so sudden, I have always thought that the same thing is going to happen to us any time and I will never know. I always go into freak state whenever I think about all of us are not guaranteed to enjoy tomorrow so I am really scared if it is going to happen.

Thinking of people I really love dying has been disturbing so much that I have so much trouble enjoying today.

And I need to stop this. I need to live today. If this persists, I am afraid I might need to visit a therapist for mental consultation.

I also grow this habit of thinking about people negatively. I don't know when did I start doing this, but now I suffer a lot from this habit to think that people are hating me and they want to crush me down.

I keep thinking that people secretly hate me, they get bored with me, they dislike me because I don't earn money (or I earn very little), they dislike me because I am not rich, because I am not cute, because I am not sexy, because I have monolid eyes and so many things.

I think this is very unhealthy, but I haven't reached depression stage so I am thinking to take a major turn with this post that I am going to stand up.

Once again.

I am going to build a cave inside my mind. I will spend most of my angry times inside my cave, cool myself down and tell myself that I am worthy of all the fun and amazing things!

I curse so many times

And the amount of curse words I spill out has increased rapidly for the last few years. I read somewhere that cursing would make yourself feel better, and since I lived by myself last year for four years I could randomly curse here and there without anyone listening, not even complaining.

But I can truly feel the effect now that I am living with people again.

I almost always curse when I drive, it is just so relieving to be able to curse when I am faced with the stress of the road with idiots. When I was in Jakarta, I was almost always alone so I could curse just any words from the noob curses to the extremely vulgar ones.

Although so, I mostly control myself when I am in front of people.

But now, I seriously need to control myself 24/7, when I am alone and when I am not. Especially with my parents being with me now. I don't want them to hear me saying some extremely vulgar dialect words.

Oh, one time dad caught me saying one vulgar word.

"Oi, who teach you that word?!"

"Erm, you?"

"Seriously!? I don't curse. Your boyfriend teach you?"

"What boyfriend? Intro me one please?!"

"Eh, that time the one whose name same as ship name is not boyfriend meh?"

"Who!?!?!?"

Yeah, as satisfying as it feels, I need to stop this habit.

Although cursing is currently trending that I might not lose this habit completely, but I seriously will lessen my amount of cursing.

Clean mouth, clean mind, happy mind!


Then I today come to one realisation:

All of us are very blessed. We are very blessed.

I am very blessed. For real.

I have always thought ill thoughts because things are not going according to what I want--therefore, immature reactions mentioned above.

But seriously, I overlook the little things every day. There are blessings in each day. I should have known this forever.

I am blessed with people around me who love me. 

Unconditionally. And that's what matters.

Very blessed with my family who showers me with loyal friendship and love. I always overlook this, but I unconsciously always show my back to them, I trust them completely and I always wish them happiness and health.

I forget about this every now and then when I lose my temper, but I know that someday I will regret that I cannot control myself.

Hence, my motivation to control myself rises, I don't want to hurt them.

I am blessed with fun and kind friends.

From the one I met at high school, the one I met at university (seriously they are the best!) and the one I currently meet at office. They are so nice and treat me well!

Not all of them, probably only bunch of them la (I cannot have many close friends it scares me you know) but I feel so happy to know all of them.

We still chat on LINE occasionally, exchanging information and laughter. Seriously happy.

I am blessed with people who motivate me and help me.

This part is dedicated specially to my sister. She has been helping so much in my entire life that without her I might have been committing suicide (no this is not a joke).

I don't blog about it explicitly. I am not the type that actually showing to the world that I am depressed. But I think I wrote some subtle depressing posts: here and here?

I almost fell into depression during last two years, but she helped me to stand back on my own feet. She tells me that I will lose all the fun things out there if I kept drowning on my sorrow.

As I don't like to tell people that I am on my lowest, I didn't really tell anyone else that I was going through an almost-depression state last two years.

I am now here, standing up high thanks to her. I might sometimes still lose temper easily--as I mentioned above--but I feel so much better now.

I learn to see my own value. I learn not to settle for less. I learn to give love. I learn to be able to say no and to leave when situation doesn't favor me.

I will document my journey of learning how to live a happy life, so stay tuned!

I am blessed with the capability to love myself entirely.

If you ask me, honestly, am I good looking?


I would hesitate. I want to say that I am not good looking, but that is not entirely true. I know I am good looking *hide* but I am also not that good looking.

So I think for a while, and I think I find the best answer for now:

I think I am good looking, being honest with myself.

But people are free to say whether I am good looking or not, and that won't change how I see myself.

But to be honest, I am not sure.

The beauty standard this era is pretty ridiculous for me. It is almost impossible to reach (if we are not the type to spend money for look) and it is just plain shallow.

As for me, I care about looks, but I don't go to the extend that I would spend more than 50% of my money for looks alone.

I prioritize hygiene. When you are clean, you are automatically 25% more attractive. Extra 25% if you smell good. The rest is your attitude.

And this is one of my motivation to fix my immature attitude as mentioned above.

As for me, I have average height (although I am pretty tall if I am compared to girls around me? I am 1.64m) and I am slightly above the normal limit of BMI.


*sigh*

But I am working on it now! Don't worry! I'll be weight-wise in a few years!

Although I am tired of saying this but it is one of my ultimate goal.

I am hygienic (although I can be extremely sloppy and clumsy at times) but I clean myself properly and I don't like keeping dirts.

Which ironically, I am also way too clumsy to create dirts everywhere.

What else about myself, huh?

Oh! One time, sis grabbed my camera and decided to take a pic of my:


backside.

She told me my backside is girlfriend or wife(?) material which I still cannot understand why. And she said something like:

"Guys love this kind of backside! Sooooo lucky you are!"

But I confronted her and said: "I know, you are just saying that I am fat!!"

She laughed so hard.

So it makes me harder to trust her that my backside is girlfriend material.

"No! For real! Your pantat is so good! Lol" and mum came in and joined her to tell me that my backside is really big and nice.

I never understand how can big backsides be nice?!

I confronted them all: "It is okay! I will slim down and my backside will slim down as well!"

But they then screamed at me:

"No! Slim your tummy down but not your backside!"

I will never trust them. Although my backside is forever fat, I will still love them!

To answer the question asked on the title; the answer is: Yes!

Seriously, I am very blessed!

Every little thing I overlook, all of them are blessings in disguise. And I am very grateful with all of it.

I need to heighten my sense and see more blessings around me for myself to feel happier, to rise from depression and to spread love.


Lots of love ♥

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