I want to write that I am depressed and stressed but that is not a good blog post opening. Well, I wrote it though -__-;
The thing is, I still miss lots of chances to grab a job which suits me the best.
I try to convince myself every night that tomorrow I will gain the chance to grab a job that suits me the best. But it is not easy.
Believing what I can't see (yet) is a hard thing to do. Although I keep writing that "I believe in miracle" anywhere possible but when it comes in working life, really, it is not easy.
I still hope that tomorrow is a better day for me and everyone else, and that thought alone warms my heart.
Meanwhile, my mind works more in innovation. I have thought of some few things to make money, like selling things and engaging in few things but it is all risky. Business is risky.
And for the completely zero experience like me, the risk multiplies.
But the thing that draws me back a lot is that society judges me. They want to see how far I have produce results based on the hard work I did during my school years.
I am knocked off upon that fact alone and I feel like a failure.
To make it simple: I am a failure if I don't do well after my university? I am a failure if I don't work as soon as I graduated?
This has been bugging me for some nights and my earliest sleeping time nowadays is 3:30AM. I hate myself for being like this.
I originally dislike people who sleep late. But now even myself do this, and this sickens me.
Things that stress me lately that steals my sleep away.
#1 Being super picky on my first office job. Am I doing this wrong? Should I apply on those? People say I need to really be sure and confirm about the job environment and all aspects. But doesn't that mean I am being picky? So I can just grab any job? 'Any' job means what? Shall I do labor work? My parents are gonna be sad. I don't want them to be sad. I want to make them happy. But I am being very picky. Am I doing this wrong? (and repeat).
#2 Filtering friends. Don't have to attend university means much lesser friends to interact. Except online friends. I have some good friends I met on LINE PLAY, but I only consider them as their avatars, not their human who type everything. I also have lost contact on most of my university friends, let alone high school friends. Also, I start to consider my friendship seriously. I am gonna completely cut off friendship who brings me down more than supports me, and anyone can be included. If you are my real life friends, and you worry about this point and me, we need to talk. When I say I am gonna completely cut off friendship, I mean you are no longer going to hear from me, not even a word. I have been considering to cut some friendships off but we are still talking well (although we talk nonsenses) so I am still finding a good time to cut these friendships off. I am not the type that keeps friendship for a long time if it is only based on taking advantages. I only keep friendships that are sincere. And my gut is trained to detect sincerity very well.
#3 The 'future' talk. I still consider myself as a 22 year old girl. But people consider me as a 22 year old girl already. See the perspectives? Works talks are unavoidable and I can respond as good as I can. I want to show people the cheerful and good side of me anyway. But relationship talk? I have always tried to avoid this talk for years already as I was still a student back then. And as a student, all I wanted is to make as many friends as possible (my definition of many friends is not that many actually, trust me) and I want to see what kind of guys are there in this world. I think it will be awesome to know so many kind of people in this world; especially guys. I am saying this because I have sooooo few male friends. In my entire life, I only have less than 10 good male friends. Imagine how alienated I am?
Apart of those depressing thoughts above, I have been thinking of few things I can innovate.
#1 A visual novel. I chatted my ex-classmate few weeks ago and he really supported me doing a visual novel! He gave me lots of resources and helps, which is why I am very happy to start a VN and thinking to give him the privilege to have a test-run for my first VN.
#2 Android app. I also chatted another ex-classmate that we should join-in hand creating a new fun app. An app which is as fun as games; but we are still considering so many things like server size, our lack of ability (well, her ability is far beyond me so I trust her! I am the one need to start from zero) and lots and lots of resources. She thinks of good ideas and I am here to combine and give opinions!
#3 Drawings. I have been drawing everyday nonstop now that now it feels weird. I know so many artists earn money in this field (and they earn well!) and I hope I can start my own journey to commercial drawing! Imagine a Computer science graduate is doing drawing.
Though it has been depressing lately, I try to smile and stay happy. So~ actually it is good that I can see a good perspective in each of the bad thing that happens in my life, until it reaches the point that I cannot call it bad things anymore.
Lots of love ♥