Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How life works.

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Shall alert you readers before scrolling below that this is a very sensitive post. I apologise for any disagreement--this is my pure thought. It might have some changes and alterations in the future.

So, I just experienced something; how to say it?

Scary, yeah it is. Awesome, yeah, but not in both good and bad way. Peculiar, definitely. Unbelievable, it surely is.

First mind-igniting question: do you believe in karma?

I stand in the middle for this.

As I have been living for 22 years, I don't put it to my thought too deeply. But I do think about it.

Actually, my belief is more like what I give is going to be what I receive, and it is going to multiply. I give good things, better things come to me. I give bad things, worse things come to me.

I don't think about other people. I mostly think about myself. Note that this is different from being selfish. It is just what I believe.

But I never, ever, once, think ill of anyone else. Which is how karma generally does, right?

In my whole life, I have experienced and felt so many people who have ill-thoughts and doings to me. I know it, I feel it and I accept it. But I don't think it is necessary for me to write about their ill-intentions to me.

Not for now, I guess.

Basically it goes like this:

(Partly illustrated) I know a person--let's called him Zabini (I like this name personally, no feeling haha). Zabini and I know each other for some time now. And I know at some time, Zabini dislikes me.

And one time, Zabini had ill-thoughts about me. And I happened to know about it from third party, not directly from him. So, Zabini didn't know that I know that he had ill-thoughts about me.

I won't personally say about what were his ill-thoughts. But let's take some examples: Zabini lied to me. Something that I really despise.

If you are my long-time readers, you know how I cannot tolerate liars.

And from my perspective, Zabini betrayed my trust without him knowing it. I know this, and I was devastated. Once again, I lost trust that I cared of and protected. Once again, I cannot understand why people lie? Once again, I cannot fully comprehend why people lie easily.

I was both angry and sad--was I not that important enough to deserve the truth?

I guess I was.

Then, my mind worked extra hard trying to calm my heart. Enraging heart of mine which boiled so hot; I tried to calm it down. My sis once said: God forgives people, why can't you? Just let it go.

I told her: I am not God. I don't think I can forgive people (easily, said my heart).

Up to this point, I gotta give you second warning that this post is very sensitive. I know this is extremely sensitive for some of you, but let me jot some of my thoughts here :)

Then I tried, really really hard, to look at each of Zabini's positive side. I read on so many articles, this helps me to forgive people: Look at his/her positive side and relieve every little thing about them that you like.

I tried this, so hard. Every time Zabini texted me, my enraged heart boiled, so it took me hours to be able to calm myself and reply--in a well-mannered message. I still felt betrayed and anger still grabbed me; but I tried my best to subside it away.

It is hard as f.

And the next day, Zabini was in a grave trouble. Zabini told me and laughed it out; like the usual him. But I lost my cool. I was genuinely worried and kaypoh about everything else. I completely lost my mind; I was totally forget about how angry I was.

So I told my sis about the story, and I lightly said this sentence out of nowhere:

"That's why nobody don't do ill-intention things to me. Unwanted things will happen to them. Just like karma."

And something struck me hard:

It can't be.. But Zabini was not having a trouble because of what he did to me right?

You know, that's basically how karma does.

I know I was full of anger and I was so betrayed and devastated upon knowing what he did to me behind (not literally) me, and I tried so hard to subside this feeling which I didn't like.

But I never, ever, ever, ever, once prayed anything bad to Zabini.

No matter how bad people treat me, I never pray for their disasters ever. I never pray about karma or anything. I might be angry, I might be sad, I might cry it out loud, I might lose hope and I might not become myself badly.

But I never, ever, ever, ever, once prayed for something bad to happen to them.

This part is where I don't follow how karma works, I don't pray for karma. I was just dealing with myself. I don't return people's ill-thoughts and ill-intentions. I mostly just pray: "Hope the best for them".

So, as this thing disturbs me so much, I called my mother and told her everything.

Out of nowhere, she told me that similar things happened to her as well!

It gave me goosebumps and it scares me so much!

Mother told me a story related to mine.

#1 Long time ago how one neighbor--let's say Ame--blamed her for having a very noisy dog. At that time, Ame scolded her outside. A really loud and painful scold. So mother just apologised to her and tried to control our dog more. 

Then mother told me that she was really hurt because of Ame scolding her out loud although she could tell her in a better manner. Mother couldn't understand why must Ame scold her, like a very very stabbing scold. Mother was hurted, intimidated and angry.

But she never thought anything beyond that.

And few months later, Ame's daughter was (sorry) raped and pregnant and she was still very young and she was devastated. Mother never tried to be kind to her; she just decided not to talk to Ame anymore. She thought not knowing her anymore is the best. But you know living around neighbors you can't help it but know each other family stories.

Mother was surprised; but not to the point that she thought Ame had to have that kind of disaster because of what she did to mother. Mother was just thinking that this kind of karma thing is really scary.

But mother emphasized me that she never prayed anything bad happen to Ame after she scolded her like that.

Alright, one story might just be a story; but mother has another story:

#2 Another neighbor of mother; a bakery shop also complained how our dog was really loud at night. They cursed at our dog and said bad things to us, so many times.

Mother has apologised to them, and again she was hurted although then she let it go. Well, to be honest she has completely forgotten about that incident.

Then few weeks later, one of the bakery shop owner's family had illness that make him (or her, I don't know) paralysed and now he (or she) is unable to walk.

Again, this is completely coincidental, but again, it really sounds like how karma does.

I am scared at how similar these three things worked. People do bad things to us, we angered and tried our best to calm our mind with self-meditating. Then out of nowhere, ill-luck happened to them.

Although it is pure coincidences and we never actually have any efforts for revenges, can you still say it is coincidence after three incidents?

I cannot.

That's why I blog about this. It is crazily scary how life works.

I witness how life (karma, especially) works to me and our family. Even though we never even once prayed for karma to kick back people who have ill-intentions or ill-thoughts to us.

My family never teaches me to seek for revenge or to pray ill-intentions to people around us. I am taught to forgive and forget (though it is still crazy hard for me to forgive liars alright). So although I know karma, I never really use it.

But karma itself does its work for us.

And I feel bad for those people, and Zabini. If it happens to be true--if that karma really exists.

I always pray all the best for my neighbors back then, and Zabini. Actually all of you taught me something. All of you taught me how life works.

Which is: to never have ill-intentions.

Well it is one of life lesson. I am sure there are so many life lessons out there. I have just experienced one and documented it.

All religions teach us to love; amirite? In any form, no religion ever teach us to hate. Life itself, universe itself also wants us to give love.

But we are humans, and humans are very humane. Therefore we cannot avoid our humanity feelings, good or bad, we are still humans. It is not a bad thing, actually it teaches you something. Also, it reminds you what to control in your mind; and what to do in your life.

Doing good things and bad things is subjective. It is up to each individual to choose; and themselves are the one who will receive how will life work to them based on their decision.

Again, it scares me so much.. But life goes on. Let's live a good life.

P.S. I am not saying that I never do bad things. I do lots of bad things, knowingly and unknowingly. But I consciously try my best to do kind things.


Lots of love

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