Because it's (most likely) my last Mid exam in my life!
Not to mention if I'm gonna pursue Master degree though, but I haven't seriously planned bout it yet.
Other reason why it's special is because I only have two days of exams!
Cannot say it's not good but it's also not bad either!
Though I only have two subjects for this mid exam I also didn't go really relaxed--though I wake up much later nowadays, I tried to spend my afternoon studying what I have barely listened on class for the last 7 weeks, and also tried to remember anything important.
I was not really paying attention to my very last two classes because I got interested in other things (like gossiping, laughing or drawing) so I regretted everything -__-
Then today, for the first time since Tuesday I tried to continue my Chapter Three thesis because I left it for a few days already and I started to worry because I progressed nothing these few days.
Then I got distracted, and I drew instead. Fml.
Trust me I feel guilty. And I might have said this several times that I'm a horrible multitasker; though I tried to multitask two very different things today on laptop--and I failed gracefully.
Bye boring Excel file! *embrace drawing*
So, I notice that I lack of writing some journal thoughts these few days. The biggest reason I can state is that I have just undergone some tremendous mental-fall that literally broke me down so badly.
I won't probably write bout the detail here because it's the way too personal to me.
So I'll just give another personal illustration instead--though it's somewhat similar.
I was introduced to a baker, which the baker encourage me to invest some amount of money on his bakery. I didn't take everything seriously at that time since I knew nothing about investment and I also didn't think it would turn out too bad, so I was just gaining information and knowledge around it.
As time went by, I didn't grow my interest in investment so I then decided to refuse the investment offer. However, the baker might have thought that I was hinting to really invest to that bakery and when I refuse, the baker thought it's his end. The fact that I no longer gave any attention to the bakery, the baker and the investment seemed like the end of his life--end of the baker and the bakery's life.
I think that's crazy. Surely, there will be many many investors out there who are interested in the bakery if they somewhat click--forcing the way things to be so is never good, right?
So I spoke calmly and said clearly that I stopped giving anything and I won't gain anything instead. Zero give zero take; I'm taking my leave.
But it didn't go well as I wanted it to be. The baker and the bakery actually went berserk and started throwing tantrums. I was thinking I was going to die on that day because of those inhumane words that scared me so badly.
I never see such spoiled person! I never really understand how can people not be just a bit humane and be a little bit rational. I never understand how can someone just be not okay only for one small refusal.
In the end; I didn't completely have the zero take zero give deal--I just left the last conversation without words. And though the tantrums have stopped, my mind never stops screaming at how can I stick myself into such clingy client. I was so angry at the unfinished problem. I hate leaving problems unsolved but I can't do anything.
I blamed for the discouraged myself, I blamed my own weak self, I blamed my useless heart that took over too much, I blamed my logic that didn't function properly.
So I broke down into lots of tears that night. I cried so long and so hard (thankfully I no longer have neighbors--they moved few rooms away from me) that I was sure anyone around my room would hear. I craved for my parents, I wanted that big hug without words, I wanted my parents smell and fell asleep between them.
I wanted the old world that was so kind that I used to have. I wanted the old world where I had nothing to worry. I wanted the old world that was all nice and warm. I wanted that old big chinese house. I wanted that very big yard on the edge of the paddy field. I wanted my grandfather. I wanted that cricket voice. I wanted to see fireflies. I wanted to see Daisy (my old dog).
I wanted to go home so badly that I broke into that huge cry until I literally lost my voice.
And I don't want my sis because she would laugh at me crying, nope haha.
I was being that weak until I had grave toothache for some weird reasons? (And it was painful). I called my parents after few deep thoughts (and I don't want to make them worry) and my dad picked the phone and he shocked to my sengau voice--told me to breath and told everything. I, slowly told everything that has happened, that I was angry and sad and everything else mixed into my chest that I believed it exploded at that night.
Hearing to his voice made me broke into tears more as he was worried bout me so much that he was thinking to come to see me. I refused that because it's not cheap and finally after few words I calmed myself. I didn't even understand why I angry-cried at that time; the only thing I know was I was angry to my weak self... But I believe there was more than that. Though that's unexplainable, and that's kind of impossible to write here at that time.
My dad talked to me long and wide, told me what to do and not to do. He told me it's part of my life that I would actually learn to advance further in my life. He told me it's totally normal and it's fine. He told me to be strong in front of anyone and that's the best shield for me. He told me life goes on and I should embrace it. He also told me to tell him anything whether I get any problems next time, and that he was happy I called him.
Then I talked to my mum, though she didn't say the calming thing, she did other things. She cheered me up and when I finally was able to let some weird laugh off--then she told me to sleep. That night I had horrible headache after big crying (and some weird and horrible toothache) so it was hard for me to fall asleep. But I was able to sleep... And it was a short sleep since I woke up at 4 to break down to another cry until I felt better at 6 in the morning.
I'm so happy that I'm blessed with the best parents in this world.
So, that illustration is more likely similar with my personal experience last few days--and I'm not going to break everything down boldly. This time, I want to bury this experience down to the corner of my heart that I'm not going to reopen it anymore in my entire life.
Life goes on!
Lots of love ♥