Friday, March 21, 2014

Me versus choices.

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I was about to take some fresh selca to brag my new shorter hair but I was photobombed by this guy who was trying to do headspin I think? o_O

Voice from behind: zuo mo ni jiang bad de *pout and hosh* I'm break-dancing!

Me: You photobomb me yo!







It's not a 100happydays post because I have something I need to type here.

Probably some of you who see me daily or who text me daily know that I have been having a hard time lately. There are SO MANY things that are currently unsettled in my mind that makes my heart drops everytime I am reminded with it.

And I guess I can't keep it all anymore so I'm going to blog about it. Though some things are actually some childish things but for me it's kind of hard choices.

Choices. You don't know how scary is this word to me know.

To be faced with choices is one extremely difficult thing, especially when you understand that you can't turn back. You only have once chance, therefore you cannot mess everything. And that thing burdens your small shoulders. You know your destiny lies on that choice.

I am aware with that very well therefore I am taking these things very seriously. Like, I think most of my friends won't actually care about this and they would think that I overthink everything but yeah, though I laugh outside, I am scared inside. Maybe it's one of my weakness.

First issue: Final thesis.
I will have my Final thesis semester next semester (starting on September this year) and the preparation starts this semester. Probably next week we will start to have briefings etc. to settle our Final thesis at uni. I messed up with my Minor thesis so I want to give more than my all to this Final thesis. That's one burden.

For Information System students, we can form small teams to do our Final thesis. In my deepest opinion I think that's a pro and a con at the same time. Well, I'm not blaming anyone but I am sure there will be many people who are going to take advantages of this. You understand me?

So I was talking about this to my friend at class and she agreed that we can form one group to do our Final thesis. And since the team may consist up to 3 people, we then decided we may not add the third member to our group for the sake of optimising our group performance. One of our lecturer also said two members is like the best lah so yea.

But we never make it official.

And you know, some friends were actually asking me about this thesis group whether we can do it together. Since me and my friend never make our group forming official so I always answered: "I am not sure yet" and I know that's not a good answer. I am like giving false hope a.k.a PHP (id) hahaha. I know that's bad but once again I never make it official with my friend so I think that was the best answer.

But I can't be like this forever.

There will come the time I need to make it official and say the truth to everyone who asked me before.

It happened way too early. Yesterday.

One other friend directly sent me a message asking about the Final thesis group whether he could join us, and from the way he asked me, I understand that he was very serious about it so I realized there should not be any hanging answer right? After discussing it with my friend so then we decided to make our group forming official between us: we are closing down the third slot for the Final thesis group member.

And the hardest part came: to say 'sorry but no'.

Ai yo, you don't understand how I had cold hands and feet typing and erasing the message to be sent to him, to say 'sorry but we're going to reject you kthxbye' but try to be as nice as possible! I totally understand how does it feel to be rejected so I was very scared and hesitating to reject him lah.

I had this stupid thought that karma will come to me the same way, so I was scared to death while typing the rejection message to him. Omg. You know how stressful I was yesterday! :'(

But again, I tried to think logically (this is one of my weakness ah! I cannot think logically so often) that it is need to be done because there are several friends who asked me about the Final thesis group and it's impossible for me and my friend to yadda yadda, I dunno I dunno, up to you up to you, ok lah ok lah, bo cengli rite?

So I bravely typed the rejection message (full of feeling) and sent it. In few secs I got reply and I was being super sissy I scared to open the message omg!

Opened the message after half an hour (maybe) and a cold 'ok lah' was written there, haha! There was this super deep breath that I released at that time! "FINALLY!" problem solved.

Why was it so hard for me to reject people? Firstly, he is a good friend I don't want to severe the friendship. Secondly, I'm afraid of bloody karma. Thirdly, my reason is actually not that strong because the Final thesis group slot is 3 people at max and we still have two out of three people slots.

But that doesn't matter anymore! Well for now. :-) I don't think I made mistake this time because it was for the sake of fairness and being very logical and cengli hahahaha.

Second issue: Jobssss.
Yeah. Another wild scary word appears!

Probably I should tell here that I have sent a resume to an Internet corp. for summer internship and currently waiting for the interview call. I am not going to reveal the company's name for now (I'll post a very long post about it after the interviews are done). I'm currently very excited and doing this Law of Attraction to have this super exciting summer internship! I am going to have priceless experiences so yeah, I cross my fingers and pray to Guanyu and Buddha and grandpa up there every day and night to bless me in my way on having exciting internship experiences!

After all of this 'fun waiting of interview call', actually I get this chance to get a full time job easily because I was personally called and offered to be employed. Monday lecturer called my name and asked whether I am interested in working full time under his management for my university website development (as system analyst) for Oracle project. Which is worth a lot you know.

A two-year-contract full time job inside uni, website development, system analyst. I thought about this a while, omg, why so suitable with my preferences? I do website, I am a candidate of system analyst (as I study Information System), Oracle is dem cool.

But that means I have to give up all internship chances for the next two years, correct?

And this is the heaviest thing I currently have in my heart.

I was thinking lightly about that Monday lecturer offering but now that I think about it more, a full time job while I am studying is a very rare chance! Especially inside Binus it's going to be very very helping me in pursuing my study as well. Everything is great, because it's within my comfort zone.

Also, the fact that only me (and a short list of my classmates) were called means that I was somehow a noticeable student to be able to be called. I am not sure why was I called on that day though, what was his preferences? It's still a deep mystery.

How about the summer internship? It's a totally new thing to me. A very rare chance (too), full of new things I am going to learn, it's 9,999% out of my comfort zone. New environment, new things, new experiences, new friends and colleagues.

I long of exploring new things and experiences so it's a great thing! I believe some people won't understand me for longing to stepping out from the comfort zone but I don't want to waste my youth dorking inside a small box.

Up until this second, I am still crazily wasting my nights thinking what choices should I take.

It's not like when I realize I took a wrong choice, I can say sorry and take the other choice.

The undo button here is disabled, once I take a choice, the other choice will disappear and I should not look back anymore and have to keep walking straight.

I might be lebay-ing this thing but that's the exaggerating way to say it, right? D:

Briefly, both choices makes my eyes very silau because both offer me very rare chances to take. Sometimes I think it's one of my biggest issue in my life, at the moment. Yeah, nothing compared with this one for sure.

I still have my FMEA homework dues tmr but I can't get off from my blogger dashboard and rant rant rant. I'm sorry ;C

Even asking my favourite people about this seems useless as well. Yeah, the one facing the real thing couldn't make it, how would the one not facing the real thing could do it? Ai yo, where is my sense :C

I'm soon reaching my breaking point argh!


Choices. Choices. Choices.

Why is it a very scary word, anyway?


Lots of love ♥

6 comments:

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