Friday, 19 August 2016

Be more honest.

I admit it is very hard.

Like, I demand people not to lie to me because I extremely hate lies. But myself? I am also not that honest.

Underline this: I don't lie. I am just not honest. I am just not open.

It is so hard for me to let people know a lot about me. This may sound contradicting since I write blog and I write so many things about myself. And to look back, all of these are pieces of me and my life.

Even so, there are still so many things I don't write here about myself.


I guess I don't like it.

I don't like it when people know what can control my feeling. What will trigger my happiness, what will trigger my sadness. I don't like to tell people about it blatantly. It is like giving them free cards through my mind and heart. That sucks.

I guess I am scared.

I think I am scared they will use all this information to me. To attack me, to make me vulnerable, to make me have to surrender to fulfill their demands. I think I am scared the deeper people know about me, the deeper they can hurt me.

The thought alone scares me to death.

Am I a hypocrite for not revealing about myself that much, yet still demand everyone not to lie to me?

I don't know. I don't deny that I want that. But also, sometimes I feel uneasy about this.

Last year (almost exactly) when I found out that I was utterly betrayed, I cried. I felt like I was not worth it. That is the most humiliating feeling I ever had!

I don't usually cried when people treat me badly but that time I was in shock. I never even think about hurting and lying to people, but to be betrayed such way was one of the deepest injury I had.

The irony is that it was one of few people that I trusted so much who was able to hurt me that deep.

I fully understand it. When I am not close to some people, what they do to me doesn't matter because they are 'mentally' far from my heart.

Different case when the people are the ones whom I am very close with.

It will be easier for them to hurt me. And since they are placed very close to my heart, when they hurt me, it leaves even deeper injuries.

That's why in so many cases, lies and betrayals from people whom we trust the most are the ones that hurt the most.

This is why recently it is so hard for me to open up. I don't tell things to people anymore.

But still, I demand that everyone is living a truthful life especially the ones with me. I really demand that I want nothing but the truth.

Note, I don't demand everyone to be open to me--because I am not that open as well--I just want them to be honest.

Because, although I am a very private and closed person, I am also trying to be honest at all times. I really value each and every people I meet and interact with, I want them to know the truth.

This bothers me so much everyday, I don't even realise how heavy is my stress recently because of this, and many other things I gotta skip my cycle last month again. I am like I am so messed up lately.

I am so lucky I don't live alone now because if I do, I might be under even greater stress than now.

Work has been my escaping route daily and thanks to it I am able to forget all these unimportant matter to stress about and enjoy myself to build solutions to work problems I face.

And whenever I feel uneasy, I try to look at the pretty sky. Want to let my uneasiness go, let it fly to the vast sky.

I always wonder whenever it is Ghost Month (around July - August) the full moon is always the brightest, the most beautiful!

I guess it is because so many Mr and Mrs Ghosts are wandering around so Moon-sama gives them brighter light to walk around?

Lots of love ♥